Change your mind, Change your life

I feel pretty positive about where I am heading towards in life. It took me a long time to realize that my path is my own and no one has the right to tell me where I need to go. My mind is at peace with myself and I have much more positive energy. I believe my positive energy is influencing some of my friends.

I did a tarot reading on my friend and he’s a Chef. He has such big goals about his career as a Professional Chef and what he is doing now is absolutely perfectly on the right path. He was so happy with the cards that were drawn. There are so many things ahead of him that in the end he will celebrate all that he has worked hard for. Everything he is doing now is just stepping stones to where he needs to be and I am so happy for him. He left home feeling so happy and so positive about his career path.

I got home and I feel pretty good about myself too. I have my own goals as well.

I started doing one mile everyday at the gym whether it’s walking, jogging, running, crawling, just do one mile or more. I started taking some supplements to burn fat faster and probiotics as well. I have done this for three weeks now and I so far I have lost 12 lbs. I am so happy with myself. I stopped over eating so much and started eating better. I started drinking A LOT of water. Occasionally I’ll have a soda, but I hardly finish Coke & Pepsi, I started to enjoy drinking Sprite or Ginger Ale more, they don’t make me feel bloated as much.

My goal is to slim down and weight at least between 110 – 95 lbs. I have a long way to go, but the journey will all be worth it just like any aspect in my life. I am going to do better and bigger things that will make me happy.

Flower~ Update

It’s been awhile since my last post.

I have to say that  things are so much better. There are some slightly things I don’t like happening recently, but I have made my peace of mind.

Work Life:   Person I dislike is still working there, but there are rumors this person is being let go due to performance levels not being met.

Love Life:   I’m not dating anyone. Nor am I looking. I have secret crushes here and there, but definitely not dating anyone. Ever so often I think about the last guy I was in love with for three years– my friend, we’re not on speaking terms because well, he now has a girlfriend, and I’m not going to make any efforts to fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for. I’ve moved onto better things, such as learning to love myself. I stopped all of the dating apps, stopped eating unhealthy things, and stopped binge eating, stopped thinking about negativity so much. (it comes back sometimes). I’m doing a lot better. I’ve lost 12 lbs within three weeks. I’m pretty proud of myself.

Family Life: My family are doing great. They’re all doing their own thing. My brother’s birthday had passed and we all miss having him home. My cousins and I will be spending time together soon.

Social Life:  I haven’t really made time to hangout with people. One, I don’t have many friends anymore. Two, most of my friends are working alot and our schedules don’t match. Three, I love my own company.

I was offered a job position to be a Live In Nanny for 2 years– free rent and have weekends off… However, I love my current job and to take this other job position would be downgrading where I am today. I have a future career and it may not be this one I’m on, but this current job can lead me to where I need to be.

When I heard about Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington had passed away, I’ve read many comments that depressed people and suicidal people are being called “selfish”… I felt upset..

I felt upset that people in this world have no compassion, no sympathy for those who are suffering in silence. Depression is more than just being sad– it’s a battle of constant exhaustion with ourselves– physically, emotionally and mentally where everything and everyone just sucks. It’s not about who’s living a life worse. No, everyone experiences a kind of worse type of life, and people don’t understand just how real this is. Depression is within ourselves. Most people know how to handle it while there are most others who are struggling to fight it. I’ve spoken to a lot of people who are always asking about people with depression leads to suicide “How could they just take their own life like that?” I remember wanting to make them understand when they said “They are so selfish for killing themselves.” A lot of people have looked at this from a religious point of view instead of setting all of that aside, instead of trying to understand why they did what they did. I’m not saying it was justice, but their depression had them fed up with the kind of life they were living and didn’t find any reason to live anymore. While yes, there are many reasons to live for, there are those who are unfortunate enough to not know or feel that kind of luxury. So if there’s anyone you love who is going through depression, reach out by spending time with them, make them feel loved, ask how they are doing, do whatever you can to ensure that they are living life the way most of us all want and need to be: Happy and Loved.

What goes around, comes around…

I’ve been struggling with someone I know that I work closely with. This person has been giving me a hard time ever since this person got hired. Unlucky for this person, I was told by someone else that this person had gotten in trouble with some other co-worker of ours. I felt bad for this person, but at the same time I shouldn’t because no matter how patiently annoyed I am with this person I know what comes around goes around. I strongly dislike this person for how this person speaks to me as if this person is my supervisor– I barely look and speak to this person. I was so close to snapping at this person because I am so annoyed and fed with their b.s. –however, good thing I didn’t have to do or say anything really. I am not the only one who finds this person annoying. I am tired of this. Some days I just want to quit my job and find a new one, but I don’t want to because I care about my job, I love the other people I work with, and for what? for one person? This person does not pay my bills. I’m doing my best to always stay positive. I smile at other people and I do my job well. I suppose as I’m writing this I realize that this person shouldn’t affect me this much and why should I care? I guess I should check my own ego. I can be a hot head at times. Hahah. I can do better. I can be a better person than feel like a negative person, than a sad little flower. I can be happier.

Life is full of ups and downs.

Just when I finally had gone up, I feel like I’m being dragged down again.

I’ve been reminded of my past mistakes by people who are tied to me by fate– a fate that I cannot seem to escape due to our closely knit bond. I love them with all my heart, I just wish they would not bring up the pain I tried so long to forget. My mind was swallowed in darkness of memories as they talked about it. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted them to shut up. I wanted them to stop talking about it no matter how right they were. It hurt. I am not perfect. I know that. They’re not perfect either. But why is it a constant need to bring up what I had done in the past??? I don’t understand.

I am not where I want to be. Not with them around.

Somehow I find myself with them, all the time. . . And I don’t want to be. I feel insignificant among them. When it comes to me, I don’t feel the kind of support they give to everyone else in this knit close bond. I still feel like the black sheep.

15 years later. . . I still feel like the black sheep. . . . I’m not angry. I’m sad and disappointed. Where’s the family I belong to? Where’s the home I crave? The yearning of a place to call home with people who love me as I am? How can I be happy if my own pasts are being brought up every time? How can I be me if they don’t know who I am now? All they know is the terrible version of me. I don’t know how else to show them. . .

I’m trying here. I really am.

 

Hypno

I realize that it has been weeks since my last blog and now that I’m back I must admit things weren’t going so well for me these last couple of weeks. I felt a lot of anxiety and anxiousness and even went through a blue phase (sad). You know how you were close to someone once and then you see photographs of them with someone else online it makes you think about why things happened the way they did. Don’t get me wrong we are friends, but not as close as we used to before. It makes me wonder why wasn’t it me that he chose? But then I realized the universe sent me to him so he would learn to be a better person and choose the right girl even though the girl he chose wasn’t me. I am proud of him for growing up. I was sad to see those photographs, but I am happy to see that he’s happy with someone he loves. I pray for him and for his future. After going through that whole ordeal, I noticed I was doing it again….. Putting everyone’s happiness before my own.. My own happiness is on the line… I must take care of myself.

I listened to a hypnosis audio: one, for a deep relaxation and the other, was for happiness and confidence. I can’t say that it exactly worked, but I am less stressed and anxious than I was when I woke up this morning.

Some days I just feel absolutely stressed out and other days I am okay.

I am trying to learn how to deal with my stress because it’s not healthy for me.

Physically and mentally.

 

Star Crossed

It has been one helluva week..

The cards have spoken to me. I feel relieved, at ease, and happy with what’s to come. I just need to have faith and more patience than ever.

Recently I’ve rediscovered myself in a sense with a certain individual who’s shown me that there are aspects in my own life that I must let go of in order to obtain what I am hoping for in the future. The same goes for him considering we were both doing each other’s card readings. It was fun and interesting to say the least. I’ve never met anyone who’d be interested in such things. I’ve scared a lot of people by being myself, but with this person, I don’t have to hide. I’m beginning to embrace myself more.

I’ve been so stressed out with so much and this person has been there for me backing me up, and I’d be this person’s confidant when there was a troubling occurrence.

I noticed something in this person’s eyes… there were white orbs, a sort of light within, but perhaps I’m over thinking like I always do. I feel like our souls have met before. The way my name is being said. The way our eyes meet. The smiles and laughter between one another. I believe this is going to be a beautiful friendship.

This person’s inspired me to take hold and control over my own life.

I needed inspiration. I needed support. I feel myself when I’m with this person and I don’t have to hide. I can be this little short, chubby, girl around him. Whatever the future lies ahead, or however fate wants us, I’m very glad we met.