Life is full of ups and downs.

Just when I finally had gone up, I feel like I’m being dragged down again.

I’ve been reminded of my past mistakes by people who are tied to me by fate– a fate that I cannot seem to escape due to our closely knit bond. I love them with all my heart, I just wish they would not bring up the pain I tried so long to forget. My mind was swallowed in darkness of memories as they talked about it. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted them to shut up. I wanted them to stop talking about it no matter how right they were. It hurt. I am not perfect. I know that. They’re not perfect either. But why is it a constant need to bring up what I had done in the past??? I don’t understand.

I am not where I want to be. Not with them around.

Somehow I find myself with them, all the time. . . And I don’t want to be. I feel insignificant among them. When it comes to me, I don’t feel the kind of support they give to everyone else in this knit close bond. I still feel like the black sheep.

15 years later. . . I still feel like the black sheep. . . . I’m not angry. I’m sad and disappointed. Where’s the family I belong to? Where’s the home I crave? The yearning of a place to call home with people who love me as I am? How can I be happy if my own pasts are being brought up every time? How can I be me if they don’t know who I am now? All they know is the terrible version of me. I don’t know how else to show them. . .

I’m trying here. I really am.

 

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