1. Late Night Thoughts

Hello to you beautiful Flowers who are reading this. If you read my About section, thank you Flowers for taking the time to read.!

If you’re a night owl / homebody like me then you know that when this happens your mind wanders and takes you places– places like to the near future and to the farther future (over thinking) everything. I’m currently entranced with Khalid’s song Location, but I’ve been listening to various covers by Youtubers… so far my favorite covers… 1. Johnny Maxwell… listening to his cover just sounds amazing, it’s perfect  for a late night thoughts playlist. Location – Khalid (Johnny Maxwell Cover) The tone, the rhythm, the beat, the acoustic guitar, the snaps, his voice, the lyrics… it’s perfect and I’m picky when it comes to songs. Go check out his Youtube;

Aaaaaand 2. Khalid – Location | Cover by Samantha Harvey… her version is just magick… her voice sounds so pure and soothing along with the instrumental… I have no other words… It’s just that great. She is just as beautiful as her voice. Check out her Youtube as well.

I started thinking about an old friend of mine who I don’t talk to or see anymore. He was someone I cared deeply, but things happened– he got sick,  he stopped talking to me, I distanced myself, he got better, he started talking to someone new, and now they’re together, but I don’t hate them. I’m happy he found someone finally, I’m just sad for me because the Universe didn’t want us together. As soon as he told me they were official, I gave up on him because I didn’t want to hold onto something that could and would never happen. Just want to state that he was never mine, we were just friends, and though I wished we were, losing him to someone I knew broke my heart. There were multiple reasons and meanings behind the things he and I had gone through together. I think about it now, he and I changed to be better people. He changed to be better for someone else and I think even he’s working on it. I changed to be better person for me and I’m constantly still changing to be better.

The people I told about my feelings for my old friend didn’t approve because of who he was, and how he was with girls, but he was behaved around me. When he’s with other girls, it was unfiltered, uncensored, and the lack of a better word dirty. When it was just me and him– It was more like when you’re in kindergarten and the boy teases the girl

The last time I saw him was a week after Valentine’s Day… I gave him his late Valentine’s Day present filled with Starbucks Coffee: Mocha and Caramel in a large, tan brown, box with heart stickers, his name hand written, and inside was a hand written note on top. As soon as he lifted the lid, I grabbed the note and ripped it in front of him while saying “This is actually nothing. It doesn’t matter. I already know the answer.” It was a note of me confessing my love one last time to him that he would never get to read. I remember driving home that evening ignoring my failed attempt at love and just focused on work the next day. I haven’t seen him in person since, just through his social media.

I haven’t been really able to talk about him with anyone because my feelings for him are “stupid” and that my feelings for him are considered not “love”. People would bash on his appearance, his personality, his style… and I’m over here like… Thanks for the support? All that trash talk had nothing to do with what I feel, what I felt… So I stopped talking about him because there was nothing that can be done. He’s with someone else, again. And I’m alone, again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being on my own. I meant, I’m alone again in the romantic department which is okay. I think this is good for me. I need time to be me. It just gets frustrating when there’s no one else to talk to especially when the one person I want to talk to the most is him.

The people who want to listen…only hear what they think they heard, if that makes sense? Guess I’m trying to say is that people misunderstand me and try to interpret my emotions and to validate who I am as an individual. I’ve had “close flowers” tell me to seek a Therapist or a Guidance Counselor, but I personally just don’t find it helpful…

Sometimes I wish there was one person who gets me not just through words, not just because we have things in common, not just because we connected through one topic.

I wish the one person who did understand me was with me.

In all honesty Flowers, every day feels like a constant battle with myself and with things happening around me. If you’re like me, I always try to find things that peak my interests, something to distract me from my pain. If you’re like me, I find distractions like music, art, writing to keep me away from my own sadness.

I tried to ignore how I felt for 3 months because 1, none of my close flowers care; 2, Stargazer doesn’t care, if he did, he would be here; 3, no one else to talk to about this.

As Official Flower Girl, I want you all beautiful Flowers to know that it is okay to be sad and to be yourself and to be alone away from the negativity, and always fight to live your own life. Don’t ever give up.

Even a Flower needs room to grow.

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